I blame Candy and Kim Z. from the Housewives of Atlanta for the shit right here...
So as if being America's most loved blowup doll television personality wasn't enough, Kim Kardashian took a page out of Kim Zolciak's book and had The Dream and his smedium jacket produce a single called Jam (Turn it OFF Up).
Guess now that she is no longer a card carrying member of the Reggie Bush Olympic Sperm Catcher team, she must find something to do with her time.
This isnt it.
At first, should one not look at the screen, you think you are overhearing the exorcism of a cat with Rabies in heat.. and labor. But as your ears slow in the bleeding, you begin to hear the base of the track, and all is well until her verse comes in, and then its every man for himself.
Just when I thought there was going to be no ghetto programming to watch with chicken wings and a beer, VH1 dropped off this amazing little tid bit in my inbox.
Funny enough is I happen to be present at a part of the taping for the series, the segment when Olivia had a listening session for her new music at Veranda in NYC a few months ago. Imagine my surprise when then she opened her mouth to sing and I didn't want to vomit!
Way any, this series follows all the girls in life that nobody cares about ( with the exception of Jim Jones wife ), but somehow, when you pack all their weave, drama and jump-off like tactics into one hour, it actually makes for TV I can bare. Was Ciara not available at the time of taping? A few of her well choreographed body rolls and this show would be ready for the Emmy's! We can only dream.. *sigh*
I blame @MikeMillz_TN for destroying all that is right in the world by showing me this video.
But with 10,000,000 + hits, I had no choice to watch it and see what was going on.
That was the beginning of the end.
I couldn't decide whether twiddle dumb in the church outfit was catching the holy spirit at the thought of "Big Booty Bitches", or if he was doing a crack shimmy, but needless to say the shit is entertaining. Somewhere, in a far off land, thanks to this song a future video hoe is being granted her necessary silicone injections.
Aight, so yall all know where I stand on the whole subject of a man's jumpoff. Can't a man do hoe shit in private? I mean really, what has the world come to these days? *smh*
Way any, in a world of Jump-off's gone wrong, somewhere on this list of females not to fuck with, we now add Reggie Bush's Carmen to the list. Is there no automatic understanding that as my featured sperm catcher, this is done private? I keep telling you dudes stop messing with these girls who have more to gain then lose by licking your balls. Shesh.
Way any, Carmen took the art of being a jumpoff to a whole nother level when she gave the MTV cribs- jumpoff edition tour in Reggie's home and purposely accidentally release it right before the superbowl. Does this girl have an album dropping? Has she been hanging out with Rihanna and her people? Cause this shit right here is totally a Rih-Rih approved move.
Does anyone speak fluent gold-digger? Cause this shit right, the statement she released to the public, dont make no sense... Please see my commentary in Bold print..
"Earlier this week, a video surfaced on the web, showing me on a private tour of New Orleans Saints player, Reggie Bush’s home. The published blog posts about the video have painted me as everything from a “thirsty ho,” to “jump off” to “escort.” These names aren’t insulting, for they’re not true. (I would have used trashbag, STD breeding ground, and maybe teabagger, but thats just me)
As you all know by now, Reggie and I had a brief short lived relationship (??? Is that what they call it when I empty my prostate on your face for a few weeks?) almost one year ago. During that time, we both were in serious relationships with other people, but we had an “understanding.” Unfortunately, things hit the fan when Reggie’s girlfriend, Kim Kardashian, found out about our secret relationship. She immediately ran to the Internet to throw me under the bus. ( I would have hit you with a bus, but thats just me. Call me Reggie, I know a dude...) When this happened, Reggie and I went our separate ways. During our brief relationship, Reggie became a dear and valued friend to me. The negativity surrounding that situation made it extremely difficult for me to move on.
However, I did.
I want to use this column, for Honey, as an opportunity to express how deeply hurt and betrayed I feel. I am shocked and disappointed to see that on the eve of Reggie’s biggest day, his team’s Super Bowl win, the private video I took months ago had surfaced. I believe it was leaked by a former trusted friend and colleague, ( Gold digger terminology for your hairdresser) for his personal gain. It wasn’t my intention for that video to hit the net or distract Reggie from his amazing day. (Sure you didn't, it was your last resort when they wouldn't buy your sex tape, and the preggo stick kept saying negative) I made that video to let the “nay-sayers” know that I did have proof that he and I were in a relationship (because you could have broke in like the other stalker do?). Unfortunately drama continues to follow, but I have moved on from that experience – and still am.
This too shall pass. (What, no mention of giving your life to god? Has Superhead taught you nothing?)
For those of you who never saw the video in question, here it is..
So as an avid believer of all that is fuckery, Im always one for a good story about how Hoe shit affects the lives of others. Imagine my surprise when flipping threw the channels to watch intervention ( I can never get enough of other people's problems) I come across Robbie from "City High"..
I'll give you a moment...
okay, don't feel bad cause I didn't remember either at first. Here's a video to jog your memory...
Way any, apparently Robbie and lead female of the group Claudette Ortiz (yes, she is 5'5 with brown eyes) were together, and the group broke up when she left him to be with the other member Ryan, who were later married. Robbie returned home to his momma's basement and a bottle of gin, giving tv yet another chance to show the world what black woman's pussy can do to you. Without further ado, I present to you Intervention. And no, Gary Coleman will not show up. Not in this episode at least.
Morning! Should you feel like your having a bad day, just remember your day could be worse. You could be her:
Okay, okay.. soo I tried to stay away from it, but after reading the various reports of advertisers pulling sponsorship due to the domestic violence scene, I just spent the last hour watching responses to the Jersey Shore fiasco.. aint it great when it aint the black folks they are mad at? Lmao..
Way any, here is my favorite response to the Jersey Shore show.. Enjoy!
Im convinced that Tiger's Wife had something to do with this cover... has that man not had enough?? I mean really!! *SMH*
Dear Tiger,
instead of working on your swing you should had been working on your pimp hand, cause look where your bitches done got you now. Poster boy for EPIC FAIL *insert sad smiley face right here* .
Please feel free to laugh, and then reconsider your hoes.
So everybody's favorite weirdo, Lady Gaga, has released some promo pics, in yet another effort to remain relevant. I spent the better part of an hour trying to figure out if the pic with Kanye West was some display from Madame Tussad's Wax Museum. Minus the blood and creepy twitch, these can be considered fly in some countries..
FYI, Gaga, if your crotch is really giving off fireworks, you might want to get that checked...
For those of you who watch "The Real Housewives of Atlanta", in light of Tiger Wood's hoe shit counter up to 9 (gotta keep checking), I am now forced to wonder if he's linked to everyone's favorite mistress, Kim. I mean, comeon... "Big Poppa"?
Way any, here's a clip of Kim performing Tardy for the party on the Ellen show.. did I forget to mention that Ellen cut it out, but had to post it on her website? Ellen? how could you? Blond hair, big boobs and no talent is what this industry is built on! *smh* FUCK EFFORT! Ellen, Tiger.. umm.. I mean "Big Poppa's" people will be calling you soon..
Batman had a bat signal..
I have a fuckery radar...
I sincerely apologize too our readers for completely missing this one, and due to some scheduling conflicts, *giving DJ Norie the only dirrrrrty side eye* I completely missed the mess that was Queen Pen and made it in time to see the end of SWV and Jagged Edge.
Thank god for readers who love youtube.
Sooo your girl Queen Pen, decided to come on stage in an a sequined zebra stripped cats suit (Pimp not included) and Coogi boots, which she had to take off not even 5 minutes into the performance. Dont worry.. you outfit was like a bad car crash that I could not look away from, so I forgot that you happened to be BAREFOOT on stage. As if it could not get any better, my heart stopped when she kindly asked the audience where her Babymama's on welfare was at, after mentioning that "a Bitch got a babysitter". *sigh* Is that where you been since your last hit?
Do not adjust your computer screens. Her outfit really does look like that.
I tried my hardest to stay away from this whole Tiger Woods drama, an ignored the fact that in the last few days a new mistress has appeared more frequently than Beyonce changed her wig. Last time I checked, I think we were on Mistress #3? Comeon Son! Can't a man do hoe shit in peace? I mean really... who else is gonna lick his balls at night? Personally, instead of hating on the side chick, I would have her at the crib doing the fluff and fold (More Downy bitch, I want softness in my laundry!) instead of waisting my time.
But I digress..
Way any, I was all for my boycott, until I accidentally saw the youtube of the message Tiger left on his mistresses voicemail. *Somewhere, in a far off land of little people with Good Perms, Katt Williams is yelling "PIMP DOWN" at this very moment. * Tiger is recorded "asking" his mistress to pleassssssseeee take her name off her voicemail because his wife is gonna call her... Has Tiger never seen The Color Purple?
Harpo will soon be giving classes at the learning annex entitled "How to slap a bitch wid yo' strong hand - just don't drink the water". As you watch the following youtube and feel Tiger lose his manhood at a speed of 0 to 60 in under a min, please be reminded of Celebrity Sidechick Rule #1- Always cheat with a bitch who has more to lose than you do. (Insert sad Kanye West face right here) :)
So Rihanna's album did 181,000 its first week, which sucks ass big time for an artist who is charging 500,000 (yes, its U.S. dollars) to perform for New Years Eve. Sitting here going over her soundscan, it popped in my mind, what would she do if her Label dropped her?? Here is my list of the top 5 jobs that Rihanna could do:
5. McDonald's
I mean after all, they are ALWAYS hiring.. right? Rihanna, just remember that it's service with a smile, not a bad attitude, no matter how nice your accent is. And yes, *sigh*, if Chris ever comes in your location, feel free to hide behind the deep fry until he is gone.
4. Dominatrix
Keeping with this whole "edgy" thing your going with, Im sure you already have the the outfits in your closet. Word of advice though, leave the barb-wire home... *ouch*
3. Phone Girl at the CatHouse
"... Allo? Welcome to the CatHouse.. dis is Rihanna, wa ya want?...." Perfect fit if I do say so myself..
2. Pet Food Taster
After all that madness you talked on your 20/20 interview, you mouth must taste like crap. Im sure Dog food dosent taste any worse. Beefy flavor anyone?
And the top Job that Rihanna could get if she get's dropped by her label:
*drumroll please*
1. Beyonce's Wig Carrier
I know, I know, but Mama Tina was whispering in my ear about this. Look on the bright side.. Jay would have easier access, and you could request a golden brush.. Maybe, just maybe if you behave, Beyonce would even let you sit at the big people's table during family get togethers. Just dont be suprised if Cousin Angie spits in your water. *sigh*
Soo... while going through my inbox, because you know that I stan for the f&*(ery, I came across and email for this German Sprite ad.. apparently some claim that its fake *giving someone a dirty eye because I do not believe*, but anywhich way you look at it, its extremely shocking.. (and hilarious if you like dirty jokes)... View at your own discretion...
After getting a crazy response to the T-shirt in the last posting, I decided to search the internet for some more obnixious, offensive t-shirts. Here are some of my favorites- view at your own risk.
The throat part.
Wonder if it comes with the girl?
oh my.
And the smell (in some cases).
And on your face.
Tossed Salad anyone? No?
Damn.
Or your nose.
Very Special.
Does she wonder why she's single?
Me too.
All the cool kids are doing it.
Pepper spray.
Just add water and it's instant.
I just need one finger.
Tea-Bag!
I never would have guessed it.
You knew what you were getting into. Actually, what was getting into u.
Okay, So I was really attempting to not even validate Kanye's behavior at the vma's, but when I recieved these pics in my inbox from a reader, I had absolutely no choice but to discuss because you know I am a card carrying member of the "Pro-Fuckery" club.
Enter exhibit A- while Amber may be a tad bit enticing in this picture, please do not miss the star of the photo- The henny bottle in Kanye's hands BEFORE the event. This is one of those moments when you see the neighborhood crackhead approaching and you shake your head because you just know that no good is gonna come from this. Never fear Kanye, I too would drink if I realised that the bitch that I made hot was becoming hotter than me... haha! No I wouldn't, I'd just up my commision and make her my bitch both literally and figuratively. Enter the Kanye and Amber sex tape in 5..4..3..
Fade to black, and enter Diddy. I mean what event would be complete without a Diddy sighting? This time, he was escorted by the two members of his new "group" Dirty Money.. who shall forever be known as Dirty Panties from this point on. Has a nice ring to it, no? Bet that name will make them sell millions cause their talents sure wont!
And of course, where there is Diddy, there is his resident ball licker Cassie.. okay, okay, she dosent lick balls.. cause only swallowing can get you picture privillages.. why do you think we never see kim?
Somewhere, under this get-up giving me "hanibal lector" fever, is lady gaga. Take a minute to absord all the crazy.. but please, if you find yourself starting to like the outfit, save yourself and look away from the screen.
So.. Joe.... umm.. your date looks.. very..... intelligent. (I couldn't even type that with a straight face). Feels kinda disrespectful that your son died and your smiling it up on the red carpet.. that is, unless due to Michael's untimely death and cut off of your funds you had to resort back to your previous hustle... in that case, pimp on my dude.
And for those of you who happened to miss Kanye's outburst, here is a snippet of yet another one of his shining moments. Aww what the fuck.. go find it yourself..
The throat part.
Wonder if it comes with the girl?
